Tuesday, May 19, 2009
No more curls!
Griff got all his hair cut off. There isn't a single curl left! His hair was getting untamable , So we had to do something! I mean the curles will grow back....right...ugh...I already miss the curles!
Thursday, May 14, 2009
Miss my doodlebug
Last night we went to the comedy house and Griff spent the night with mama. I always feel guilty when I go and do something w/out him. I miss him instantly and want to go back and get him. This morning when I went over to see him before I went to work he ran up and gave me a big Ole hug and kiss. Oh, that makes me melt every time. He didn't want me to leave and started reaching for me, I just wanted to call in work and tell I was sick. I can't wait til six when I get off so I can see him. I hope my mama will bring him up here so I can see his beautiful face!
What I hate
Those skinny bitches that have no stretch marks having a child! Just had to get that off my chest!
Wednesday, May 13, 2009
Lessons learned
I have to say I'm a much stronger person now than I was six years ago. There were times I didn't know if I would survive the night. I remember thinking "this is it, he's going to kill me" I guess I should start from the beginning. I found myself living a nightmare. The man I loved, the man who vowed to love and honor me, spit, literally, on my face, hit me with a one-ton truck, threatened to murder me, threatened to mutilate me, yelled obscenities in my face, mentally and physically tortured me... I should have seen the signs, they were plenty of them. I have to admit that I always knew he would be abusive. It all starts w/ isolating you from everyone, they tear you down, then there's the throwing and breaking stuff. I threaten to leave him when we were engaged, and he pulled a gun out and threaten to kill himself. Well, I felt so guilty, I started apologizing. I just didn't know what was in stored for me. Two months after we got married. He came home around four in the morning and I was pissed. As any women would have the right to, I asked him where the hell he was. This was the night he first hit me, I was shock, couldn't move all. He threw me on the couch and started hitting me in the face. It only got worst from then on, Any little thing would set him off. Once I took a sip of his tea and he threw the whole glass in my face. I did leave him after about 2 years of marriage, only to be coned back into his lies. Ya know the whole "i"m sorry, I love and need you, I will kill myself." Ya know It got to the point where he would do it in public...We were at Bike week and just got finished eating and I can't remember what trigger this episode but he turned our and started yelling at me, then hit me in slapped me in the face. His brothers were there and a few other people, they acted like nothing happen. When I got on the bike he turned around and said "i cant take you anywhere, you embarrass me". HOW STUPID WAS I? Almost five years of my life wasted on his sorry ass. Thinking it was my fault and wondering what I did wrong. I just want to say this...If a man ever lays his hand on me again, I promise It will be the last. I don't take shit from anyone nor do I hold my tongue, If I don't like something, I will let you know.
December of 2003 I was raped by his cousin, he had put something in my drink and when I passed out he raped me. This all happen at his birthday party, Kevin was right outside. He walked in and saw Steve. Well, I don't recall much from the night, just bits and pieces I really don't like talking about it, I have pretty much supressed that. Five years, later they wanted to finally take this to court, I was about 8 months pregant and I decided it was best that I didnt go to court. Anyways, some ppl think that our troubles started then, but It actually began a lot eariler then that.
There were nights he wouldnt even come home, or if he did I would act like I was asleep so I wouldnt have to deal w/ him. If I was lucky, I go just lay there inantipication, waiting for him to strike, other times not so lucky. I started leaving my keys in my car, just in case I got up the strength to leave, I could make a run for it. I think I left him two times before I actually made my mind up that I was doing it for good. People often ask about women who are battered, "Why doesn't she just leave?" It's not that easy, I can't really explain it, you really don't understand inless you've been there. Breaking away from my abusive husband was more difficult than it was for me to stay. He had so much control over me. I had lost who I was, He whittled away at my self-esteem, making me feel that I deserved what I got. Anyone who knew me, knew something was wrong. I think people knew what was going on, but what could they do? Tell me that he was no good for me, all I would do is defend him. My parents and family tried to get me away from him but I would'nt listen. My dad actually told me on my wedding day right before he walked me down the aile, "its not too late, don't marry him". Now, that I am a mother I can't image what my parents with threw worrying like crazy, and praying he wouldnt kill me.
As I told you before December 6 isnt a good day for me, but it was his birthday so I cooked his favortie meal and waiting for him to come home. Well, hours and hours went by and finally he called said he wasnt coming home. Well, our dog got out of the fence so I had to go chase his butt down. Well, I fell down the steps and hurt myself pretty bad, not to mention we moved to freaking leesville, an hour and half away from anything. So I call him and tell him I can't hardly move, and hurting really bad. He tells me to take 2 asprins and deal w/ it. Well, by then I had enough, I finally made up my mind that I was leaving, I told myself I would get through Christmas and then i was leaving. Well, I went over to my sister's house for New Years Eve, I was going to stay home alone, he was on one of his many "trips". He called me and he was pissed. You see it was ok for him to go places but I was supposed to sit home and wait for him. Anywho, I told him I was just spending the night at my sister's. Of coarse he started yelling at me and saying all kinds of stuff to me like "you know what happen last time you drank, you spread your legs opend and got yourself rapped". I started to cry, and my neice saw me, so she ran in and told my sister. I didn't know she was on the other line listening to his every word (see he would knew do anything in front of my family, he knew better), she chimed in and ripped him a new one. Of coarse she called my mom and dad and they pretty much did a intervechin on me. I knew I could'nt go back. He called and called, he would come up to my work and watch me. Do you know you can't get a restraining order inless you have 3 police reports? what kind of shit is that? I knew if I talked to him, he would work his charm and get me to come home. So i had to cut all ties with him. I did talk to him once and he started w/ hs bs and I plainey told him what I had built up inside for 5 years. I was out of work for about 2 weeks trying to get my shit together.was for the best he would walk around the store and I didn't know if he had his gun on him or what he was going to do. I changed my number and I didn't leave the house w/out someone w/ me and I carried a gun w/ me. The divorce was horrible, he didn't want to sign the papers so it took so long. It took a while for me to find my old self but in time I did.
I heard rumors that he had moved on (which I have a feeling he never stopped seeing his exgirlfriend) and that he was in a mental hostipal. I wrote a blog once on myspace and he's dad (yeah i know right, WTH does a 60 year old man have a myspace) commented on it and told me that how dare I talk about his son, that I was Monster and I put him in a mental hostipal. Yeah, I'm sure I did, considering a week after I left he was at the skyline w/ his manwhore!
After I actually left him, I starting loving myself again and putting the pieces back together.I had the help of my family, who I don't know where I would be w/out them. I have never come out and told my dad, "yeah he hit me" b/c I think if I did, he would kill him but I think he knows. Its weird but Sometimes when my husband(such a wonderful man) boug and I get into a fight I have a flash back and almost get parnoid that he's going to pull a gun on me and even if he's playing w/ me, he will crab me and I will get pissed and it takes me back to that place. Even though I know he would NEVER do anything to me, the past comes back for a slipt second.
I now have a wonderful husband who treats me like a princess, he's my best friend. Griffin is the light of my life. As a parent now, I can't image what my parents were going through, and how worried they must have been. I can't belive I pushed them away for some long. But I can tell you this, I live right up the street from my parents and I talk to them EVERYDAY!
I've learned that as hard as it is to stay in an abusive relationship, it's even harder to get out. I use an analogy of swimming upstream against a strong river current. I've also learned that if you don't get out, you may die in the plunging waterfall downstream. Our dreams may be broken, but at least we will be alive to make new ones.
December of 2003 I was raped by his cousin, he had put something in my drink and when I passed out he raped me. This all happen at his birthday party, Kevin was right outside. He walked in and saw Steve. Well, I don't recall much from the night, just bits and pieces I really don't like talking about it, I have pretty much supressed that. Five years, later they wanted to finally take this to court, I was about 8 months pregant and I decided it was best that I didnt go to court. Anyways, some ppl think that our troubles started then, but It actually began a lot eariler then that.
There were nights he wouldnt even come home, or if he did I would act like I was asleep so I wouldnt have to deal w/ him. If I was lucky, I go just lay there inantipication, waiting for him to strike, other times not so lucky. I started leaving my keys in my car, just in case I got up the strength to leave, I could make a run for it. I think I left him two times before I actually made my mind up that I was doing it for good. People often ask about women who are battered, "Why doesn't she just leave?" It's not that easy, I can't really explain it, you really don't understand inless you've been there. Breaking away from my abusive husband was more difficult than it was for me to stay. He had so much control over me. I had lost who I was, He whittled away at my self-esteem, making me feel that I deserved what I got. Anyone who knew me, knew something was wrong. I think people knew what was going on, but what could they do? Tell me that he was no good for me, all I would do is defend him. My parents and family tried to get me away from him but I would'nt listen. My dad actually told me on my wedding day right before he walked me down the aile, "its not too late, don't marry him". Now, that I am a mother I can't image what my parents with threw worrying like crazy, and praying he wouldnt kill me.
As I told you before December 6 isnt a good day for me, but it was his birthday so I cooked his favortie meal and waiting for him to come home. Well, hours and hours went by and finally he called said he wasnt coming home. Well, our dog got out of the fence so I had to go chase his butt down. Well, I fell down the steps and hurt myself pretty bad, not to mention we moved to freaking leesville, an hour and half away from anything. So I call him and tell him I can't hardly move, and hurting really bad. He tells me to take 2 asprins and deal w/ it. Well, by then I had enough, I finally made up my mind that I was leaving, I told myself I would get through Christmas and then i was leaving. Well, I went over to my sister's house for New Years Eve, I was going to stay home alone, he was on one of his many "trips". He called me and he was pissed. You see it was ok for him to go places but I was supposed to sit home and wait for him. Anywho, I told him I was just spending the night at my sister's. Of coarse he started yelling at me and saying all kinds of stuff to me like "you know what happen last time you drank, you spread your legs opend and got yourself rapped". I started to cry, and my neice saw me, so she ran in and told my sister. I didn't know she was on the other line listening to his every word (see he would knew do anything in front of my family, he knew better), she chimed in and ripped him a new one. Of coarse she called my mom and dad and they pretty much did a intervechin on me. I knew I could'nt go back. He called and called, he would come up to my work and watch me. Do you know you can't get a restraining order inless you have 3 police reports? what kind of shit is that? I knew if I talked to him, he would work his charm and get me to come home. So i had to cut all ties with him. I did talk to him once and he started w/ hs bs and I plainey told him what I had built up inside for 5 years. I was out of work for about 2 weeks trying to get my shit together.was for the best he would walk around the store and I didn't know if he had his gun on him or what he was going to do. I changed my number and I didn't leave the house w/out someone w/ me and I carried a gun w/ me. The divorce was horrible, he didn't want to sign the papers so it took so long. It took a while for me to find my old self but in time I did.
I heard rumors that he had moved on (which I have a feeling he never stopped seeing his exgirlfriend) and that he was in a mental hostipal. I wrote a blog once on myspace and he's dad (yeah i know right, WTH does a 60 year old man have a myspace) commented on it and told me that how dare I talk about his son, that I was Monster and I put him in a mental hostipal. Yeah, I'm sure I did, considering a week after I left he was at the skyline w/ his manwhore!
After I actually left him, I starting loving myself again and putting the pieces back together.I had the help of my family, who I don't know where I would be w/out them. I have never come out and told my dad, "yeah he hit me" b/c I think if I did, he would kill him but I think he knows. Its weird but Sometimes when my husband(such a wonderful man) boug and I get into a fight I have a flash back and almost get parnoid that he's going to pull a gun on me and even if he's playing w/ me, he will crab me and I will get pissed and it takes me back to that place. Even though I know he would NEVER do anything to me, the past comes back for a slipt second.
I now have a wonderful husband who treats me like a princess, he's my best friend. Griffin is the light of my life. As a parent now, I can't image what my parents were going through, and how worried they must have been. I can't belive I pushed them away for some long. But I can tell you this, I live right up the street from my parents and I talk to them EVERYDAY!
I've learned that as hard as it is to stay in an abusive relationship, it's even harder to get out. I use an analogy of swimming upstream against a strong river current. I've also learned that if you don't get out, you may die in the plunging waterfall downstream. Our dreams may be broken, but at least we will be alive to make new ones.
Monday, May 11, 2009
My boys
I wasn't looking for love, it kinda just found me. Ya know, God always has a plan for you. I met Boug through a friend. I knew he was the one for me when he sang Patsy Cline. I guess you can say he had me from "I go walking after midnight" lol. He is my best friend and my penguin (they mate for life). Right after we got engaged, not even a week later...We found out we were expecting! Which was a total SHOCK! He was told he would never have children. Boy, were those doctors wrong! Little did I know how much I could love someone, the instant I found out that I was pregnant with Griffin, he became the love of my life. Everyday he amazes me more and more. I could be having the worst day and he will smile and I forget all my worries. I thank God everyday for him. I am truly blessed to have a wonderful family.
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